easier said than done

Going to church. Sounds like it should be so easy. I grew up going to church. I spent every Sunday from 8:30 am until about 8:30 pm at church all of middle and high school, leaving for just an hour or two to get lunch--with people from church, of course. I played handbells, sang in the choir (despite my complete lack of musical ability), went to Sunday School and youth group... I did it all. Then I went to college. I got really involved in a ministry. I was a leader, which was kind of like a part time job. I met some really amazing people (like Patagonia!) but it was a big commitment. And there were a lot of rules.

And then I graduated from college. And for the first time EVER I didn't have rules. People didn't seem to have expectations of me anymore. If I wasn't at church on Sunday, no one was going to notice. I could stay out until 3am because I didn't have anywhere to be the next day. I'd never had such freedom with my schedule or expectations.

So I went a little crazy. Just a little--I'm probably still pretty tame compared to most, but I started going out a lot more. I didn't have anything else to do. I started sleeping through church. It didn't seem worth the effort. I started getting frustrated with a lot of things about organized religion. I was angry about the fact that the majority of my friends I graduated with moved to different parts of the country and weren't around anymore. I hung out with people I didn't really like just to have someone to hang out with.

It was an interesting year and half or so. But last spring, I finally made some good post-college friends. I started to calm down some and get some of the crazy out of my system. I figured out that I really hate clubs. I like having a drink somewhere I can talk to my friends. It's okay to go home before last call. So, as I've kind of been figuring out who my post-college self is, I've been trying on some different personalities and doing things a little differently than I've ever done them before.

In a lot of ways, it's been really good. It's probably been a wild ride for some of my friends who didn't really know what in the world I was doing, but I feel like I know with a lot more certainty what is really "me" now, because I've given myself the freedom to try some other things on. So, I'm slowly figuring out who I am, and where I fit.

I think having a break from church and organized religion was really good for me. It helped me figure a lot of things out for myself, not for what I'd been taught. But in the past month or so, I've found myself missing it. So I decided it was time to start looking for a church. I hate going to church by myself, but I know I just need to suck it up and find one I like, and then I can get involved and start making friends there.

So this morning, I sucked it up, and went to church. By myself. And it was good. Really good. I have one other church I want to try out--a more traditional one, and then I'm going to pick one, and commit to it. I'm excited. I feel good about it. I'm doing it because I want to do it, not because I'm supposed to. And that is a great feeling!